I don't have a headache

When I woke up yesterday I thought it was going to be headache time, but it was not.  And today is also, headache free.

I'm in a state of shock and keep checking all the vital signs to make sure its not brewing somewhere?

The last 2 migraines I had were so bad that I kind of lost a lot of my courage in regard to pain of that magnitude.  

This month I decided I would go into hospital if I had that kind of pain again.

So here I am, waiting and nothing is happening.

The only thing that I've noticed is that every 2 hours or so, I get a sensation along my right side, like a pulsation of some kind, I stop and listen to it, it passes normally and nothing goes into spasm.

Yesterday this sensation started in my lower abdomen, it was like a twinge that last for about 3 waves?

Then later, I had a slight twinge from the right side of my waist, it was gentler than the earlier one and didn't last as long.  That was after lunch.  Then in the evening, I felt the blood go up to the right side of my head, faster, momentarily, but it was not followed by any kind of pain or throbbing or anything at all, I just noticed it that's all.

I feel like a prisoner on death row and there has been a power cut and everyone is waiting for the power to come back on, so that they can electrocute me.

I feel light and strangely free, but I'm too much of a cynic to want to move very fast and do energetic things.

It was a beautiful day today but I've spent it worrying about stuff.  Now its gone.  Another wasted day I suppose?

Dog 

Our dog is stable again, which is a relief.  He's been barking a lot today, which was OK, after two days of him not barking at all and looking really sad.  

Pets represent chunks of our lives and its inevitably so sad when that chunk of your life is coming to an end. 

The house is incredibly sad at the present time, it doesn't matter how brightly the sun shines, its not for us.   I've done everything I could, I mean everything.  

This is going to sound terrible, but I don't think men are very good on the subject of death.  In fact I think men are pretty lousy at it. 

My granddad was good at it.  He nursed his mother and then his wife.  He had what it takes.  But all the other men I've known about in those situations, either have affairs, take to drink, or just leave.

My DH is a wonderful person but his instincts about death are crap.  Sorry to put it like that but facts are facts.  His timing is totally out of whack and his observations are skew-whiff. 

I suppose he's just the eternal optimist and things are never 'that bad' and 'we shall wait and see'.  

I think because women give life, they just know how to handle death.  We just know when to be quiet and stop hoping and start preparing.  

DH's also don't always know what's the right thing to do.  They look like they do, but in actual fact, they don't.  

During all this time that we've been giving palliative care to our dog, I can't help remembering someone I had to see in hospital, many years ago.

This person was not that well known to me, but DH cajoled me into going to see him.  This man had done what men typically do, which is to hope that their medical symptoms will just go away of their own accord.  On top of that, this person was a little 'odd'.  By that I mean he had some kind of undiagnosed autism-kind-of-thing?  

So I did my duty and did what my DH told me to do and went to see this person in hospital.  I went up to the ward, it was a beautifully sunny day and his room wasn't difficult to find.  The last part involved a long corridor.  I remember the smell of the ward intensified, the closer I got to his room.  I know now it was the smell of people fighting for their lives and of salty, clumsy tears, and morphine stupor.  

I reached his bed, it was behind a screen and the difficult part was that he didn't have a room, he had a cubicle and as soon as I got past the screen, the bed was right next to my leg.  He was sitting up and looked directly at me as I came round.  I entered the cubicle and felt immediately pushed into a situation I was ill-prepared for and regret even now.  This poor man was so completely altered, I struggled to find anything to say.  I remember being firstly ashamed of invading his space.  But he kept looking at me and regrettably I had nowhere to hide my shock at seeing my first dying person.  I remember he looked away then, and seemed informed of something that made him look slightly angry(?)  We managed to exchange hellos eventually. 

DH was parking the car at the time and in time joined us.

We all spoke for a little while longer and when the man shifted his position slightly, we could tell he was growing tired, so we said our goodbyes and left.

Afterwards, when we were well away from the hospital, I turned to DH and asked him why he had not warned me, he said "what?", I said "that .....was dying?".  He was silent and I remember he gave me a dirty look, as if to say 'how dare you say that, how dare you be so pessimistic?'.  He made me feel so ashamed, as if I had dared to stop hoping that this poor individual might live.  

Only now, all these years later, I realise that DH cannot actually tell when this is happening....So I had been bad, I had made him see something he couldn't.......